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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Donnie Darko's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, December 31st, 2002
3:13 am
Learning that I have a lot to learn / It's raining women
Thanksgiving began a new period of growth for me. One of the most important lesons I am learning is that I really value myself before everything else. I've been subconsciously putting myself in situations where I feel I'm undervalued by others or my efforts were not reciprocated, when it was really me telling it to myself by choosing to feel bad in those situations. It became most apparent a couple of weeks ago when I started seeing M., who, although attractive, thoughtful, kind, sincere & calming to be around, I was finding reasons to dislike. It became apparent to me that I was in fact choosing to not be happy, although happiness was right before me, obviously calling me when I had no ears for it.

Another emerging hidden dynamic is the fact that I often fall into relationships because of self-worth, masculinity-proving issues or sheer lust, rather than spending time with the person to see whether we truly enjoy one another's company as good FRIENDS before we start slamming it. I know billions of people already know this, but I feel like I am finally understanding this for the FIRST TIME. So it's good that I told M. that I want to take things slow & am not ready to be exclusively in a relationship with her until I let her know. Her reply was close to perfection: "I'll be here." In the meantime, while getting to know her better, I can't say that I don't enjoy having someone to fall asleep with...

I re-posted a personal on the net & seem to be connecting with a lot of great women - I just have to remember to take the time to find out what they're really like, instead of acting the way society has trained me (judge women by their looks). My friend Donna wants me to date 3 women at the same time to take the pressure off - I guess it's weird - I'm learning how to & why I should play the field for a while, but most of my internal wiring seems to want to find reasons to get comfortable with one person (too much to keep straight with three people!).

I think my health is improving - I've started needing to eat less food. I think I'm getting more efficient, as vegetables and fruits used to be a tasty novelty, now they seem to comprise entire meals. I'm also de-emphasizing my meals & grazing more.

I'm seriously organizing my home work environment & it seems computer stuff would occupy 25 hours of my day if I let it! I can't wait to get home to integrate my (roughly) 30 gb of new samples into my recording system. I played some of my new unfinished songs after fasting & they sounded so good, that it was as if someone else was playing the song! I would think of something to play & my fingers would be right on instead of having to figure anything out. That's a zone I want to be in more often. I also have to get crackin' on some f'ing lyrics!

Looking forward to getting home & starting my second Screenplay with Tom. Hope everything goes quickly & easily with our production of the short one.
Monday, December 30th, 2002
4:35 pm
You can't go home
I've been home for about a week & I finally have a chance to take a breath. We went to my sister's in Buffalo today & I got to meet my niece's boyfriend from Maine - then we went out for lunch & then back to her place for tea - it was cool to see my old apartment again -it looks a lot like it did when I left almost four years ago.

Yesterday I went to the old factory outlet mall in my hometown & I ran into the girl I took to the senior prom. She was almost unrecognizable, having ballooned out about 50 Lbs. She has 2 kids, works as a secretary at the air national guard and is married to a steel worker.

Getting out of here was the best thing I've ever done in my entire life. This place is just saturated with an energy of misery, pessimism, poor health, illiteracy & waste. Have you ever experienced something so bad that to even talk about it is so painful that you don't, for fear that it may become even more powerful & envelop you?
Sunday, November 17th, 2002
12:21 am
3 weeks ago I had a flu so bad that I thought I might have gotten Ebola. Thank God that passed.

Had a great journey to Santa Cruz / San Francisco 2 weeks ago - my business partner & I found a lot of inspiration and new ideas for the stuff we're working on. We walked tons of miles, saw fascinating architecture & scenery, and met many fascinating & enigmatic people (we were officially inducted into the "tribe" as one of my digital-media-hippie friends explained).

Went to the Small Business Center today & got advice on financing, business structure, use of our name, etc. Turns out the advisor has some really accomplished friends in the film business & wants to introduce us on a personal level. Everything happens for a reason! (then again, it would be hard to throw a rock in LA county & not graze 30 or so writers before it hits the ground).

Joined a new personals service last week (E. & I moved to the "friendship" level a couple of months ago while she's going through some stuff). I've had some pretty good success from the responses I've gotten - much more artistic, attractive, spiritual & interesting women than on match.com - & they write to me, so I don't even have to DO ANYTHING! (well, except for...you know).

Today my neighbors & I split up my DSL line & now I pay only $20/mo. We've been talking about it for months.

I'm going to yoga at 9:00 tomorrow.

This week I should finally be starting my new editing job in West LA. I have to get in for a couple of practice shifts first, but I should be sharp after studying this weekend & practicing on Monday at the place where I took classes last spring/summer. I'm looking forward to paying off my debt & getting some things that'll make life a little more pleasurable (not to mention that it's steady freelance, so travelling will NOT be a problem).

Going to get to bed at a reasonable time for the first time in a while!
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002
10:40 pm
Changes
It's been a year since I auditioned to compose my first studio film & the movie was finally released on video this week. I'd like to hear what the other composer did with the scenes I worked on & whether they tightened up the edit a little more before they locked the picture.

I wouldn't have guessed that a year later I'd be producing my first film. I don't have the typical producer's personality; maybe that's why fate has led me to it. Tom & I just met with a production designer & everything went well. The hardest thing about doing something low budget is trying to make the thing happen at a time where everyone's scedule & free time syncs together for at least a couple of weeks - easier said than done.

I was in NY for a wedding 2 weeks ago & absolutely loved Manhattan. I couldn't find a restaurant with bad food. Perhaps what I liked most was the ubiquity of beautiful, fashionable, real women who were quite easy to talk to & comfortable with themselves. Out here so many people are shallow shells of real beings that are always looking at every social situation as a chance to "get ahead" in the entertainment industry. I'm sick of the bullshit & now am fully entrenched in what I care about & not interested in wasting my time with fake fucks.

I'm also starting to get sick of the principle that people are more interested in you when you withdraw from them. I'm kind of pissed that E. wants to spend time with me & tells me she loves me, but isn't willing to do anything about her recently hatched "psychosomatic fear of intimacy." I'm kind of sick of double standards. I've recently dug back into match.com & have found a new interest: yoga instructors!

I met up with a couple of friends & ex-girlfriends on the visit to Buffalo, and even got to hang with my peeps from Cleveland and check out the old train station. It was great to spend time with family, but what I found TRULY TERRIFYING was how isolated the suburbs are & how easy it is there to buy an innocuous home filled with things that emulate innocuous country living - like walnut veneer cupboards & doormats adorned with ducks. What really scares me is that THERE IS NOTHING THERE. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THERE & NOTHING CHANGES. It is so isolated & unreal that you have people that are twice as frightened of a terrorist attack than people living in Manhattan. Because there are no big events going down to release the tension, people are left with their own festering bundles of worry and dread which will probably never come to fruition as there over 400 MILES of nothing BETWEEN BUFFALO AND NYC!!! For all the shortcomings of Los Angeles, it still beats the pants of my life if I'd stayed back in Buffalo. I have to take things a big step further and spend some time overseas soon to get away from the American perspective altogether. Have to get my money sitn taken care of first.
Friday, August 9th, 2002
12:32 am
This morning I awoke from a dream in which a cereal bowl (filled with soy milk & cold cereal) that I was currently using had affixed to its bottom a small cocoon. This organic cornucopia I flicked into the kitcken sink, where it then morphed into a large (high school science class size) albino grasshopper. I thought it was weird to see these odd creatures (there were more) in my home. When I woke up I walked into my bathroom & noticed a li'l bit o' mouse feces in the sink, as if a li'l mouseketeer got stuck in the sink last night & was poopin' whilst tryin' ta scale its porcelain nightmare. I think he got in through some holes I made while wiring for my little home computer network. The animal madness doesn't stop there - a few hours later I see a huge palmetto bug (amicable appellation for much larger cousin to the cockroach) on the bathroom ceiling. The fucker took a few head-on squirts of pure pesticide, but his death was quick - falling to the floor with a mortal thud, he expired after a few moments of futile limb waving and thoracic pulsation. In the afternoon I was pestered by actual harpies. I came outside to see what all the fuss was about & I find the loudest-mouthed birds I have ever seen instigating the cats. They would literally come up to them, egg them on & yell at them. I actually threw a pen & a flowerpot at them, later actually resorting to a high-pressure garden hose.

I spent the better part of the last month putting together a killer demo reel and resume, no small feat when your work is graphics - intensive. Looking for a job this/next week - hopefully it'll be cutting movie trailers or music videos for one of the artistic / edgy post houses.

We finished the script of our short story a month ago & last week we brought aboard an effects guy who just finished some invisible (fixit) effects for the new Austin Powers movie. Tom & I have been breaking down the script so we can figure out how much the budget's gonna be. That neeeds to be done before we can get any investors or grants.

The really good news is that J. called me today & she wants to be the lead in our film. I'm really honored because for a short like this, there's no reason she'd do it unless she wanted to...& she's a no-bullshit type of person. Her schedule's everywhere, but hopefully we'll all work together to pull this off. Having her in this film makes it loads easier to get money & to get considered for film festivals. Now we have at least one month of pre production and two months of effects experimentation before we can confidently shoot this thing on high definition. So maybe we'll be shooting in late November or early December.

E. and I have decided to move things to the friendship level for a while, as some negative health experiences that were correlated with intimacy have "clockwork orange'd" her into a different mode. Hopefully temporarily, as I can honestly say I have finally developed feelings for her and would like things to move forward, but I feel that the best thing now is to take all the pressure off. Starting the birth control pill a few weeks ago (for some weird chemical reason) spiralled her back into a heavy state of chronic fatigue syndrome, when she had just gotten over it 1 month before. She's finally feeling better (off the pill) but now it's like smelling a food you puked your guts out on a few weeks ago...I can't think of 2 thinks I'd hate to lose more: appetite for food and desire for sex. But it's actually really cool that this is happening now, because if we're ultimately meant to be together, we will & I will have had time to see if I'm happier with her or with someone else before the committment level got any bigger.

Current Mood: complacent
Tuesday, July 2nd, 2002
2:24 am
I just took two doses of Robitussin, so hopefully I'll be able to sleep normally for the first time in many days.

Current Mood: drained
Friday, June 7th, 2002
11:57 pm
DREAMS

2 1/2 weeks ago had a dream that I woke up (right before waking) and I looked at the end of my bed, where floating above it was a gold scepter with a real human eye mounted at the top of the handle and the bottom (looked like a mirror image of the top). The eye on the top stared at me and locked on me. We stared each other down & I feel that it gave me some strange kind of power.

2 nights ago I dreampt I was in my old bedroom in my old house & my Dad was around. I found a library book that was one month overdue. A friend arrived & cleaned cobwebs and dirt of the unsightly walls of my room. I woke up and stared out my bedroom doorway, wondering why it didn't look like my bedroom back home.

LIFE

I've come to the conclusion that I am never going to waste time in my life ever again. I made a decision 2 weeks ago that my writing partner & I should produce a short film on HD & we began writing this week. I wrestled for a few days with the fact that I have the unfortunate curse of being curious & talented at the same time. I can play 4 instruments, write all different kinds of music, write screenplays, edit video & film, generate special effects, act, paint, etc...and with any one of those, people have seen my work and thought that was all I did for a living. Nothing could bore me more than doing only one thing (especially for someone else's film or tv project), so I finally realized that I am comitting myself to creating and producing high quality films with my inter-media talents. The only projects I feel justified in giving my blood & sweat are MY OWN. So now I am working feverishly to get this short written, then I'm going to ask Julie to be in it (I'm not going to do it if we don't have a name). We hope to be ready to shoot by late summer or fall. We are getting closer to finishing Excalibur, and are now open to the idea of just selling the screenplay to sustain our income & to fund other projects.

I've started listening to a lot more Tool lately; I think they're helping me keep my focus with their ultra-not-foolin-around sound. If I'm on my pull-up bar & I can't do any more, I just hear that dude screamin' and it seems to give me that extra push.

I had a scare the other day when I broke my first condom ever (didn't know it when it happened) and we had to quickly come up to speed on the morning after pill. I feel really bad that E. had to take it, considering how much extreme nausea it produces, but it was necessary. Keeping my fingers cross that her friend visits next week.
Monday, May 20th, 2002
2:13 am
Both my editing and acting classes are going great. Talked to my future boss on Fri & things look good - should start in late June if things go as I hope they do. Scott, Steve & a few other friends in NYC want me to visit & I haven't figured out what to do yet. Donna just invited me to Club 33 at Disneyland in 2 weeks - it's an invitation-only private club above the Pirates of the Carribean. Hidden entrance and everything. Back in the day Walt used to entertain big shots in there & today you have to be either rich or connected to get in. I'm neither; just lucky, but the date conflicts with an important class. I'm writing a short script that I'm going to pitch to JD, in the hopes of getting her to be in it (less than 5 minutes long) & make it good enough to win some festivals. It'll be easier having her name and looks attached to it. Excalibur's really coming along & we're supposed to be meeting with another producer within the week. I'm playing drums for my friend's band this week - god, it's been a while, but I'm really looking forward to playing with a group again. Getting serious with healthy eating, working out & running. Eugenia comes back Sat or Sun & is having a great time with her mom in China/Hong Kong. Sean, Billy, Bryan & I are going to the Dresden Room on Fri & hopefully I'll bump into Rachel again. I think she needs a good spanking. I don't really know how to start seeing Rachel - I'll talk to Eugenia first & make sure we're on the same page with things as we were before...
Tuesday, May 7th, 2002
12:50 am
Mystical Stuff
A moth ago while my mom was here, an Indian man approached me while we were eating at a cafe & he gave me a reading. He wrote something on a piece of yellow paper & crumpled it into my hand. He then asked me 3 questions & my answers were already written on the paper in my hand. He went on to say that I was going to have a lot of good luck in May & would be signing a contract (that could be good news because tom & I are meeting his mom's friend this week & she has friends in an important position) & that in June, I would start dating a 23 yr old woman who would be good for me. He said things would go really well & to stay away from girls whose 1st name begins with a Z (he said 'zed'), N, or B. Interesting.

He was writing stuff on these little papers & wouldn't let me have them when we were done. Then he wrapped something in a paper & gave it to me for good luck. He said I couldn't show it to anyone. (he said I also need to get better at keeping secrets).

Last night I had a dream I was a policeman or deputy & I was one of four whose mission was to find a special judge - we searched throught the first floor of my grade school & I got a little distracted in a class & had to excuse myself to continue my search. I went into the office & said hello to the woman who used to work there. I went to the second floor & there was a guy there who thought he heard about the judge being on the floor above us. For some reason, he wouldn't acknowledge it as the 'third' floor. Then I went up there & there were a few doors & empty classrooms with no walls. Then I saw a plaque that referred to the judge but it was around 96 yrs old. We came to the conclusion that he didn't really exist. I'm having a little difficulty figuring out what it means. And it definitely means something, because it had that kind of important energy about it. It's also the 2nd dream I've had about my grade school in a month.
12:16 am
Dating stuff
My mom was here a month ago & I introduced her to Eugenea one day. I called Eugenea the next day & she said: "...thank god you called - I was so nervous about meeting your mother that I felt like I was going to vomit..." I'm like "wow, that's kinda excessive, dontcha think? I mean, it's just my mom..." Then she says "yeah, but it was the first time I met a BOYFRIEND'S mom...I was so worried she didn't like me."

How did that oh so scary word come out of her mouth at this point?

So that spooked me for a while (I hadn't been super-interested in her at first) & I connected w/ some girls through match.com. One of them was really cool, but looking for MARRIAGE (not good considering my feelings are that you shouldn't be looking for an event more than a specific type of person. The other was perfect in every way...although when we met in person I am embarrased to say that there was a geometric anomoly with which I could not deal. Nice girl, though (that's saying a lot for a guy who stopped dating a girl just because her car smelled like Elmer's glue).

So of course now I feel guilty because of this 'number's game' thing & stop talking with the other girls on match & come to the realization that I don't want to meet a girl who is 'LOOKING.' I just don't want that energy. So just about the same day I decide to stop using match and start paying attention to non-internet "are you my prince?" seekers, I'm at the Dresden with Jim Zito & friends (visiting from Buffalo) & I see our waitress is an astoundingly beautiful girl with big brown eyes (not usually my eye color of choice). But she's pretty friendly, obviously trying th throw her 'tip meter' in the right direction. After a little time, though, I found myself asking her questions about herself & staring at her, like I had this animal need to find out about her. And with me, I'm usually shy unless I get some reciprocation, but with her I was just locked like it felt really right.

Anyway, it ends up we exchanged emails, were supposed to get together last week & she dropped the ball. Thought she lost interest, but then she writes, apologizes for the delay & says: down to business: when are we getting together? She was actually born in Buffalo & lived in Canada up until about a year ago. We'll see...

Funny thing is, now I'm starting to feel more comfortable with Eugenea. Weird, most of my friends who are married or in LTR's said that their mates weren't the 'love at first sight' type, but rather they grew stronger with time. So she came over yesterday, we went shopping for steaks & grilled them to perfection. Things are going really well, but I'm being careful to not promise anything to her in terms of a relationship until I feel that I really want one. I hate to sound like a player, but depending on how things go with Rachel, I think I'll have a better understanding of what I really want out of this whole thing.

But then there's this really cute girl at another restaurant near my house. Did I mention that I have a thing for servers? It's something about the fact that they have to talk to me while they're working...

Sexually, I've been getting more aggressive & dominant lately & I'm enjoying it. I think it helps that I'm getting encouragement to do it more...
Monday, May 6th, 2002
11:41 pm
Work stuff
I finally finished up my old job 2 weeks ago. I'm happy to say that I finally got paid for the 2 months of back pay I was owed & ran all the way to the bank with the checks. In the past couple of weeks, I'd dropped in a couple of times to help my old boss a little & I even gave him 6 free hours on my last week. So now he's pulling some bull-fuck passive/aggressive thing where he doesn't want to let me take the material I edited for my own demo reel. He burns bridges with everyone who's worked with him & he's going to have to solve his next problems without my help because he is a fucking hypocritical scheming bastard.

Anyway, Steve assured me on Fri. that I don't need a reel to get my next job & suggested I start making calls to my contacts & tell them I'm looking for work. One of the people I called who runs a really great post house in Hollywood told me that there still aren't any assistant positions, but (for a third time) he told me that if I knew AVID Symphony (an editing system that can deal with film resolution) that he needs someone to run it full time. The freelancers he uses during the week don't want to work more than 2-3 days & enjoy their time off. I asked him if he would consider talking with me after I take a couple of quick courses on it & he sounded excited that I would be doing it. The way I look at it, I'd be absoluely crazy to drop the ball on this one - I've been doing so much stuff lately, but I've always wanted to work on commercials, trailers & films & have felt like my attention to detail and aesthetics have been wasted on TV and DV stuff. I also decided a little while ago that I want to make the kind of money I truly deserve & be able to forget about financial worry for once. I'm sick of feeling like a kid who's just out of college & looking for a job all the time. I feel like Edward Norton in Fight Club (which, incidently, they worked on): "I feel like a 30 year old boy." It's time to get what I deserve. It would be great if this whole thing goes through because people tell me the position should pay at least 2500/wk. Even with the training, I'll be sweatin' my ass of for a couple of months in the hot seat, but the people there are really cool & the connections I'd make there would be insane.

So, tomorrow I'll decide whether I'm taking a class this weekend. For now I'm enjoying working for myself (AKA: unemployed)
Friday, April 19th, 2002
4:31 pm
Finally got my satellite dish working after spending a couple of hours on my roof. Oh well, at least I got a lot of sun up there...

Drove Sean to get 2 wisdom teeth out today - it was funny; I felt like his family member or something - I went to the grocery store to get him soft food after I got him to his apt. Hopefully he won't swell too much.

Going to visit my friends Rob & Lisa tonight for movie night over their house - going to watch the Big Lebowski.

I've got a voice over tomorrow at 10:00, so I'd better not stay out too late = )
Thursday, April 18th, 2002
4:09 pm
Looks like tomorrow will be my last day at the job I'm finally finishing...had the day off today & got my haircut (super-random style), looked at TV's, visited my old friends at Bose & talked with my friend Clint about getting together to play & write some music in the next few days. A couple of weeks ago he played on a Rob Zombie remix that did a lot more for the song than the original state it was in. I think it's time for me to get back into music & to start taking advantage of where I live & the connections I can easily make by being more social. Clint turned me on to some Joni Mitchell today - I forgot how talented she really is; easily one of the top musicians to have lived on earth. I'm looking forward to borrowing his disc later.

I'm not sure what instrument I'd like to play if I get back in a band. Bass? Guitar? I'm partially inclined to play piano in a small pop trio or something...writing is really the foundation of anything good, so maybe I'd better worry 'bout that first...

Had a dream this morning that I woke up around 8:00 & was back home in NY. I looked in my yard & saw that someone had dropped off 2 stacks of newspapers for me to deliver - I realized I'd have to dust my old green bike off & get to work. I folded them all & got my list of deliveries together. I looked around for my bag & then realized that it's been 15 years since I delivered papers. I have no idea why I dreampt that.

Current Mood: productive
Wednesday, April 17th, 2002
11:24 pm
I was awakened by a telephone call at 6:00 this morning - didn't get it in time, but when I checked the message, there was 3:00 of static from a cell phone (intermittent) with a little bit of sound in the background. That could be one of the resons why I'm so tired right now.

Last night I had a dream I was walking through my old grade school, looking for the third floor - when i got to the staircase, they had cut off the stairs so they didn't reach the third floor. Then I found this crazy vacuum-tube based PA system that was embedded in a hole in the wall (revealed when they removed the stairs) that was from France in the 1940's and it had the engineers' names who made it etched in the front of its green face. All I could think about was getting that huge thing back to my home studio to hear how it would sound overdriven with all those huge glowing electron tubes.

Two nights ago I dreampt I was seriously considering training for 6-8 months & then trying to join a farm hockey team. I was actually reasoning in my head how many years I could feasibly play & how I may even get an opportunity to be in the NHL. Kinda weird since I barely even WATCH sports. Anyway, I was definitely going to play defense. Maybe I should get into a pickup league in Burbank (after I get a little better on my skates!)
Thursday, April 11th, 2002
10:42 am
Just got back from dropping mom off at the airport - had a great time with her - though a couple of issues came up inside of me while she was here & i dealt with them - at first, I kept a bit of a distance from her & I analyzed what I was thinking & I really think there's an unconscious part of me that keeps a distance with people i care about because of their inevitable mortality. All I could think about the first two days she was here was that I hated myself for being annoyed by some of the things she does because I know she won't be around in a couple of decades. I know that seems like a long time, but so does 14 years & that didn't make it any easier to let my dad go. I think parents have (at least for me) the ability to sometimes push your buttons & annoy you; but during her trip I've gotten to the point where I can seperate what she does from who she is & know that although I sometimes get really frustrated with her, it doesn't mean that I ever stop loving her. I think alot of this belief that I've been carrying may stem from the fact that my dad & I had the only fight we've ever had the night before he died & I never got a chance to reconcile with him. It might seem trite after 15 years, but its really not & I think there's a significant part of me that's still 14 yrs old that's been holding on to repressed anger with my mom & it only comes out occasionally.

We had a great time - went to lots of restaurants, where I work, on hikes & walks, to the movies (film noir festival & the 20th anniv E.T.) & had her meet a lot of my friends. We even shopped at the farmer's market, bought apples & made apple pie together later that night (there's still some left!!!!) My mom is entirely too religious (Catholic) though & that's one of the things that's kinda grating. I told her about match.com & how I've finally met a few really promising people in the last couple weeks & then she's like "have you seen catholicsingles.com?" Blech. Freaky.

I had a crazy dream this morning that Scott showed up at my door without calling - surprise! He started working where I work & doing some of my job 7 it started to annoy me. For some reason, he started an evil alliance with one of my co-workers & that equally frustrated me.

I'm glad to have my own schedule back - tonight I'll prob hang out w/ Eugenea, tomorrow night I'll help Sean DJ a party he wants me to attend because of the high proportion of single women (we'll see about that - watch - it'll be a sausage festival!) Sat I'll probably meet Victoria (psychologist from conservative Orange County)- I feel bad for putting it off so long, but I've been busy. On Sun I'll probably meet either Margit (opera singer/wild girl) or Chelsea (super yoga woman). I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden match.com seems to be turning up some winners. I think it just takes patience & knowing what you're looking for.

I suppose I should go into work today....
Sunday, April 7th, 2002
10:27 pm
M.I.A.
anyone know why I don't get an address anymore after taking a selector test? am I doin' somethin' wrong?

writing much more tomorrow - mom flew in last night & had a crazy week up until then...
Wednesday, April 3rd, 2002
10:38 am
Duece, duece!
What are the chances of finding a tiny chicken in 2 eggs in a row?
1:25 am
Chiggity - chogg.
2 days for which we've been sans sol here in the smokey valley & I'm sure all the pharmacies in the la area are busily filling orders for seratonin-reuptake inhibiting drugs. My reaction has been a completely insane craving for juices & fruit as well as maximum - force workouts.

Everyone in la wears a uniform specific to their role in society. I don't know how to explain it; they just look like they're at a costume party dressed as themselves. Even the guy I saw today who drove a portable bathroom truck for some film rental company looked too specific to be anything but.

Maybe I'm just fucked up.

My journal! My journal!!! It really should have a different name - it's not like anyone ever brought their diary in to their high school to pass around. Are you kidding? It's really kinda cool, though - in a different way.

I dreampt this morning of shopping for a bigger tv than my 19-incher. I probably will tomorrow after my boss pays me the 7k he owes me. How come everything in the world can go off without a hitch...but when it comes to money - it's like waiting for a lake to freeze over. My god, from now on I am only working for people who don't have a problem with paying on time.

One of my big things now is knowing what I'm worth and not settling for anything less. Ever again. (said like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty)

What the hell am I going to do with my mom for 4 1/2 days? Maybe we'll actually go to DisneyLand. Oh, wait a minute, I think that was an alternate universe ending to my question. The "choose your own adventure with mom" book. God...I can never decide what to do here because there's just too much. Never bored, but never totally relaxed. And when it comes to relationships....this is the anti-committment capitol of the world! Or maybe that's just what's inside of me. There are tons of Babies and J-Lo's who'd love to marry a 6 figure dude.

Speaking of those characters, as of 2002 there are now found in hollywood the four following character types (followed by their typical phrases):

J-Lo's - "I thought 'A Beautiful Mind' was so beautiful."

Babies - "Can I get a lime, baby?" (as she reaches her unclad, pasty arm over yours to the bar)

Lenny Kravitz's - "Insert some cool vocalization here" while smiling with sunglasses on &
consciously not looking at those who are looking at you.

Dudes - "Is my 'planned discombobulation' look natural enough? (wouldn't actually say that)

Current Mood: rejuvenated
Monday, April 1st, 2002
1:02 am
Ramble Bamble
I think I've been living way too much inside my own head for most of my life. I've been noticing that when I'm in any social gathering, I'm doing more "thinking" instead of just "being." Going with the flow is so much easier.

I've been talking with Sean & Dan F. about taking a trip to Toronto in April or early May - I'll have to get together with a few local friends if they're home during the trip. Dan's going away party was last night at the C& O Trattoria - I have to remember that red wine nails you before you even know you're drunk. I usually eat so much, it was easy to see I was three sheets to the wind when I kept talking during dinner & barely ate any food.

I'm really sad to hear that Rain's sister died. I can't believe how awful it must feel for his family considering there was no warning.

I had sex last night for the first time in way too long - makes me wonder why I waited so long since last time - oh yeah - that's right - I forgot about all of the complications : )

My Mom is flying in on Sat for about 5 days - I'm thinking about taking her to a classic noir film festival at the Egyptian theater this weekend with some of my friends.

Is Easter in LA known as "ice cream day?" Because I went for a walk in the afternoon and all I saw people with were ice cream cones and Jamba Juice containers. Of course I had to get my fix - Peenya Koowlada with a protein blast - i miss my surrogate family (the Simons) that used to invite me over for every holiday out here - Stephen moved up to ashland, OR to work with Neale Donald Walsh, the dude that wrote the "Conversations With God" trilogy.

Is my hairline receding, or is my widow's peak moving forward? Hmm - I don't want to know the answer.

Worked on some new music today - also a couple of radio head tunes that I've got down pretty well - I'm not sure which tune to play & where to try an open mic.

My friends spun at a party last weekend. When some musicians took over for a few songs, I couldn't believe the way the women were staring at the mediocre - looking guys. There must be something about bearing your inner artistic self that makes people look at you like a suckling baby eying the teet. So of course I'm in a hurry to book some places....

Uhh...watched the Donnie Darko DVD the other day & can't believe what a great job Michael Andrews did on the soundtrack. Perfectly dark, ethereal and morose, yet with a shard of hopefuleness wedged in there (just the way I like it).

I've been getting a lot of mail from match.com & talked a few times with Victoria - she just got out of school & she's attractive & really comfortable to talk to - it kind of scares me how easy I could fall into a sitn with her & lose my single status. I don't know why I always worry about things becoming permanent(it may be a general 'guy' thing) too fast and loosing my 'freedom". Also, it's not like I can't casually date more than one person at a time - it's a numbers game I guess you have to play to see who you're compatible with.

Marc got back from 6 months in Asia (Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand) last week & I'm going to get all of his info - he studied at a Buddhist temple & did all kinds of crazy things. The expenses pan out to a fraction of what one could spend in most other countries of the world, so I'm seriously considering doing a good chunk of time over there - probably some of it training in some ridiculous martial art. I'm going to do my research first, though.

I'm so excited to get a great night's sleep tonight & get an insane workout tomorrow morning before work.

Lights out!

Current Mood: optimistic
Sunday, March 31st, 2002
2:08 pm
Some things you just have to do...
I'm proud of myself.

Friday night at work, my boss got a little wishy-washy when I mentioned that it was almost the first of the month and he needed to catch up on my invoices. He started talking about his financial problems (despite the fact that he just got a 150k business loan) and I stopped him in mid-sentence - "I don't want to talk about this right now...we'll have a discussion on Monday."

Then this morning I came in early and made two backups of the promo I've been working on (for 2 months) and deleted every single trace of the edit that was on his computer. He called and apologized yesterday, but I'm not taking any chances - if they want to take this promo to Europe in 2 weeks, it will neither be finished nor available to them at all until I am paid.

In the film/tv industry, producers so often expect artists to either work for free or to not go after what they're owed. I've fixed that problem by keeping the product locked up until I'm paid. It's only fair.

Current Mood: accomplished
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